


if i knew then (what i know now)

by lovecamedown



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: AU, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Smut, because why not, just your typical friends with benefits au, not until like chapter 3 tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-11-21 15:38:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11360436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovecamedown/pseuds/lovecamedown
Summary: Rey and Finn have feelings for each other, that much is clear. But when Rey also admits she's afraid of anything serious, Finn makes a wonderful suggestion. Sex, with no strings attached.But neither of them realise how deep they're in before it's too late.-or the one where finn and rey are friends with benefits but trying to hold back their feelings.





	1. i

**Author's Note:**

> HI this fic isn't rlly gonna be anything /too/ serious, it's just. a fwb au. because i've been wanting to write one for ages, and the finnrey friday anniversary themes are AU and Sexy so i figured, hey, this is perfect :') enjoy!

So Rey kind of still has feelings for Finn.

They’re _meant_ to have just gone back to being best friends now. When they tried dating, it all ended up being awkward and strange, and they were only together in that way for about two months (one month and 27 days, Rey remembers exactly; but she’d never admit to that out loud). Maybe it was because Rey’s uncle got sick at the time, and everything was just too intense to handle anything new back then.

But now, one year since breaking up, just two months after her uncle passed, Finn and Rey are back to being best friends, just like they always were. They’re as close as ever, maybe even closer. And it’s great.

But the problem comes in when she looks at him and feels a tugging in her chest, a smile grow on her face, a warmth between her legs; even just a little moment where her heart thuds just a tiny bit faster when he looks at her and smiles like _that_.

She’s lost so much in the past year, and she can’t handle both the commitment that being in a relationship would be – a relationship with anyone, not just Finn – and the pressure of trying to make a romantic relationship work between them when it didn’t work before.  
She knows they’ve matured a lot since then, and she’s sure that, if they were to decide to try things again, it would be better this time. They would be able to work through things and adjust to a new dynamic in their relationship.

But the thing is, she’s lost so much, that the idea of any kind of commitment or change is too scary for her right now.

But she has to tell him. She has to tell him how she feels, because otherwise he’s going to keep casually putting his arm around her or cuddling with her on the sofa, and it’s making Rey physically _hurt_ , because being with him but not being _with_ him is really hard. And, besides, the two of them made a pact three years ago that they would never keep anything from each other; that they would always be honest and never keep things bottled up.

So Rey chooses a moment when they’re cooking dinner together in her apartment – they cook together most nights, either in her apartment or his; it’s domestic and feels weirdly intense when Rey has the urge every five minutes to kiss his neck – to tell him.

“Hey, Finn?” She asks, standing nervously by the fridge after pretending to look in it for the past two minutes. She’s worrying her bottom lip, staring at the back of his neck with wide eyes.

“Yeah?” He’s standing at the worktop cutting up some vegetables. Rey tries to ignore the fact that he’s wearing a tank top and she can see the muscles in his shoulders shift and contort every time he moves his arms.

“Can I…talk to you about something?” She closes the fridge, not taking her eyes off the back of his head.

He turns his gaze back towards her and frowns. “Of course. Is everything okay?” Placing the knife and the cucumber down, Finn properly turns to her and dries his hands on the towel that sits beside him on the counter.

“Yeah, everything’s fine, I just—” Rey leans against the worktop so her side is facing him, and turns her head to meet his eyes. “I need to, um…tell you something.”

“You can tell me anything, Rey.” His voice is so soft. So genuine. She _hates_ that she wants to hear him talk like that right against her ear.

Her lips release a tiny smile, arms folding over her chest as she looks down. “So, um, I don’t really know how to say this. I’d kind of prepared an entire speech and I’ve been practicing it all day but now that I’m actually here trying to say it, it’s all gone out of my head.” She chuckles nervously.

Finn’s frown deepens. “Rey, you’re worrying me.”

“No, no, it’s nothing bad! I promise.”

“You’re not going to tell me you’re sick or anything?”

“No, I’m—I’m fine, Finn,” Rey takes a little moment to glance at him and offer a small, shy smile, before looking back down at the floor, shuffling her foot along nervously. “I just…,” she exhales frustratedly, “well, you know how, last year, we decided that we worked better as friends?”

“Yeah.”

Rey pretends not to notice the way his voice sounds a little sad.

“Well…I thought that my feelings for you in _that_ way had gone away by the time Han died. But then…you put your arm around me on that first night, and I put my head in your chest, and it was like…everything I ever felt for you came flooding back.  
“And then when we held hands all day during the funeral, I—I really appreciated it, don’t get me wrong, but I—I kind of realised that I still had feelings for you. I still _have_ feelings for you.  
“And I’m sure you don’t feel the same anymore. And that’s fine. I’m not expecting anything to come of this – I know nothing _can_ come of this – but I just wanted to tell you. I _had_ to tell you because, well, we said we’d always be honest with each other and it…kind of eats me up inside, every time you casually take my hand or put your arm around me. It’s not that I don’t like it. It’s that I like it a little too much.…”

She stops talking, realising that she’s been rambling on for _way_ too long now, and it probably didn’t even make any sense and, rather inconveniently, the speech she had prepared suddenly comes back to her now that she’s already made a fool of herself by winging it.

Tentatively, Rey looks up at Finn. He hasn’t responded yet, but when she sees him, he’s just staring at her with slightly wide eyes and a small smile on his lips.

The smile is a good sign, right? If he was angry at her or if he felt uncomfortable, he’d be frowning?

But she figures she’d better check just in case.

“I—I hope I haven’t made things awkward now. I’m sorry. I just…wanted to tell you; to have everything out in the open. You know?”

“I know,” he nods softly, gazing right in to her eyes. The way he’s looking at her takes her right back to that first date they had over a year ago, when he’d looked at her outside that restaurant like she was the stars in the sky.

“I’m sorry,” Rey says, biting her lip.

His smile instantly turns in to a frown. “Why are you sorry?”

“Because I’ve made things weird now. Honesty is romanticised.”

Finn chuckles, taking a few steps towards her. He stands in front of her and smiles gently, looking as though maybe he wants to reach out and take her hand. He doesn’t.

“Please say something,” Rey whispers, looking at him so tentatively and nervously. A long stretch of silence is not what she had been hoping for.

“I…Rey, I…I still have feelings for you too. I thought you knew that already, to be honest,” he looks a little shy now. It’s the cutest thing Rey has ever seen. “I mean—of _course_ I still have feelings for you. I always have.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. I do.”

Rey wants to smile – knows that she _should_ smile; that she should take his hand and lean up to kiss him and tell him that they should try again – but instead her heart drops inside her chest. Finn is looking at her expectantly, glancing at her lips, just once and just quickly. But she frowns, looking down at the floor again and shaking her head.

“What’s wrong?” Finn asks.

Sighing, Rey screws her eyes shut. This would have been so much easier if he’d just said he didn’t feel the same. If she had just admitted how she feels, let him take a minute to absorb the information, and then they had just moved on with their day, pretending like it had never happened.

But now he’s looking at her like he used to, and she realises that maybe he’s been holding back that look this entire time. She knows that she can’t be with him; that she can’t have _this_ with him.

“Rey…,” Finn says when Rey doesn’t respond. “Earlier you said that we can’t be together again,” he starts. “I…why is that?”

Rey tenses even more, hands clenching in to fists, and _why are her eyes suddenly stinging with tears_?

“I…,” she stammers, trying to make her voice sound normal. She doesn’t dare look at him. “I can’t be committed to anything right now, Finn. I can’t handle having anything new or changed in my life. Because I—what if something went wrong? What if we fell apart again, but this time it was messier? This time we ended up not being friends anymore? I’ve lost so much, Finn, I’ve lost _so_ much, and I—I can’t handle losing something else. Not you. Especially not you.”

At the end of her sentence, Rey sniffs, opening her eyes for a tiny second, and it releases the tears. Furiously, she wipes them away, desperately willing them to stop.

She feels _ridiculous_. Crying over something like this. Something that must seem so small and insignificant to anyone else; but something that feels like the weight of the world on her shoulders to her.

Her cheeks feel hot all of a sudden. She’s embarrassed. She shouldn’t be crying.

And Finn still hasn’t replied. He’s just standing there, breathing.

( _Rey can hear him breathing. Can feel it brushing against her face every time he breathes out; and, fuck, does she want to feel that breath on other parts of her body._ )

( _The thought eats her up inside._ )

Tentatively, she looks up at him to find him just staring at her, eyes filled with a new look in them now. A look that suggests he’s just thought of something; maybe something reckless.

“Please,” Rey whispers, “say something.”

“I understand,” he says, and his voice is so soft that he might as well be whispering. “I understand, Rey. I really do. I want to tell you that we wouldn’t fall apart by getting back together, but I know no one can make promises like that. I don’t want to let you down. Ever.”

Rey smiles, feeling tears rise again. She swallows them back. “I know.”

 

Finn goes off to have a quick shower after they’ve hugged for a little while, and Rey takes the time to put their food in the oven and start steaming the vegetables. She manages to sort of forget the intensity of their previous conversation as she’s pottering around, and feels glad that Finn had reacted the way he did. That he didn’t try and convince her everything would be fine; that he was honest and didn’t attempt to give her false hope.

He comes out of the bathroom just twenty minutes later, hair a little damp and little droplets of water still clinging to his eyebrows. Rey smiles at him when he comes in to the kitchen to hang his towel on the radiator.

“Nice shower?” She asks.

He smiles at her, but it seems distant, and he barely meets her eyes. “Yeah. Thanks.”

She frowns. “Are…you okay?” Stepping closer, Rey looks his face all over. He doesn’t look troubled; just like he’s thinking deeply about something.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he smiles and looks at her properly this time, standing right in front of her. “I just…I was thinking. About what you said; about the fact that you don’t want anything serious in a relationship…,”

Rey feels her stomach do a little flip as he mentions earlier and everything she’d said to him, but it’s not overly dramatic; it’s more of a gut response that she manages to silence.

“Yeah?” Rey prompts him when his sentence fades off. He looks back at her, and there’s that look in his eyes again, only darker this time, more… _flirty_? Rey hates to use the word because it seems ridiculous, like something out of a chick flick.

And then his hand comes up to her face, tentatively but still with an air of confidence about him, the backs of his fingers slowly brushing down her cheek. Just this tiny touch is enough to make Rey’s knees weak and her heartbeat race.

She stares in to his eyes, her own eyes wide and cautious.

“Thank you for understanding, about all of that,” her voice isn’t capable of anything other than a whisper.

“Of course,” he smiles softly. His fingers are still sitting against her cheek, barely even touching her. “I understand where you’re coming from.… But I was thinking. Do you want to kiss me?”

Rey’s brow instantly furrows. “What?” She asks incredulously. What the hell? Why is he asking her that now? Did he not listen to a word she said? When she confessed her feelings? Of course she wants to kiss him; of _course_ she does…

When all he does is raise his eyebrows at her in response, Rey just shrugs.

“Yes. I always want to kiss you,” _and, since we’re being honest_ , she thinks, “I want to do _more_ than kiss you. I mean, fuck, I’ve known you so long, Finn, and I’ve _always_ wanted to. But what’s that got to do with anything? I said I didn’t want a serious relationship; I can’t handle new commitment right now…,”

“I heard you,” Finn smiles reassuringly. Then steps forward. “If you want to kiss me, then kiss me.”

“What? Now? I literally just said…,”

“Who said it has to be serious?” Finn has stepped even closer now. His eyes are dark with an expression she’s never seen on him before.

(Actually, that’s a lie. She’s seen it on him a few times before when they’ve been kissing and he’s pulled back and looked at her, eyes dark with something that Rey always described as _hunger_.)

“What do you mean?” Rey asks, although she’s pretty sure she knows.

“We can kiss,” he says lowly, eyes looking deep in to hers in between glances down at her lips. “We can do whatever you want. It doesn’t…it doesn’t have to be serious, if you don’t want it to.”

Rey’s breath catches in her throat. He’s positively a _genius_. “You’re…suggesting we become friends with benefits?”

His lips release a small smile, and it’s almost shy; his entire expression has suddenly gone a little hesitant. (It’s both the cutest and the hottest thing Rey has ever seen). “I guess I am, yeah,” he smiles softly at her. His hand is sitting against her cheek, thumb absently running along her skin. “I mean…we’re already best friends. And kissing…or anything else…doesn’t _have_ to mean commitment, does it? I mean. That’s what you’re scared of, right? Commitment?”

She shrugs one shoulder. Her eyes don’t leave his. There’s a warmth growing in her stomach. He’s so close. He’s so _close_. “Yeah.”

“Well,” his other had comes up to cup the other side of her face, barely even touching her, but it’s enough to make her skin tingle. “Why don’t we do this without commitment?”

Rey feels a smirk tugging at her lips. “Are you really suggesting this right now? That we become friends with benefits, like something off an awful chick flick?”

He grins slowly. Rey could cry because he’s so beautiful. “Yup.”

“I…,”

“We don’t have to,” he says hastily, eyes suddenly a little more serious. “I can let go of your face, we can walk away, pretend none of this ever happened. Just go back to being best friends. That’s okay, too.”

“But—” Rey says straight away, scared he’s actually going to do as he said and let go of her. “I…I want to kiss you. And…stuff. Like I said.”

He grins again. “Yeah? I…want to kiss you, too. And stuff.”

One side of her lips lifts up in to a smile. “Okay…,”

His smirk changes in to a proud one, with a cheeky look in his eyes. “So…I'm a bit of a genius, right? I know it’s like something off a cheesy movie but I think—”

Rey cuts him off by moving in and pressing her lips against his; firmly, hotly, passionately. Her hand comes to cup the back of his neck, fingers already digging against his hair, holding him right up to her.

Finn kisses her back straight away with the same amount of hunger and desire. Rey’s arms wrap fully around his neck and Finn’s slide around her waist, pulling her right against his body.

Rey can feel his warmth spreading against her; can feel his hands flat out against her lower back. His lips move with hers, fast and passionate, messily but beautifully. They’re so soft and wet and lovely, pressing and giving and taking against her own, and his breath is hot as he breathes in to her mouth. She wants to do this forever. Wants to taste his lips and his breath and feel his arms around her for the rest of her days.

He backs her up against the counter and grabs a hold of her waist, and Rey knows what he means; she lets him lift her up on to the worktop, and it makes this kiss even _better_. Because now she’s a little higher up than him, and it means he has to tilt his head up to reach her, and she raises her shoulders as her arms wrap around his neck, and for some reason it just feels so _hot_.

Finn’s hands run all the way down her spine as hers play with the hair at the back of his neck. He spreads his fingers out against her shirt and slowly moves down, touching her so thoughtfully and slow; a contrast to the way he’s kissing her.

He licks at her bottom lip once and Rey responds eagerly by pushing her tongue against his, and decides that she’s not quite close enough, even with her legs spread wide so he can get to her. So she wraps her legs around his waist, instead, and he makes a noise against her lips, tugging her even closer so their bodies are pressed flush together.

His hands move lower and palm at her ass. Rey lets out a little moan and wraps her arms tighter around his neck.

It’s like all of the feelings – all of the times Rey wanted to kiss him and touch him and feel his hot breath against her mouth like this – all of those moments have added up to this one and all of a sudden, every feeling or want is coming out right now, in to this kiss. He’s kissing her so fast but so in detail. It’s hot. It’s so hot.

It gets even better when Finn’s lips break away from hers and leave a wet trail in their wake as he heads for her neck; then leaves open-mouthed kisses against her throat and her neck and her collar bone. He lingers just a little too long on a spot just under her jaw and sucks, and Rey gasps, not even considering the fact that their may be a mark there because it felt _so good_ that how could it possibly leave a bruise?

“Finn,” she pants, pressing his head further in to her neck with her hand, encouraging him to continue.

He moans in response. Keeps leaving kisses against her neck until she feels the need to kiss him properly again, and pulls him back in, hands cupping his cheeks and mouth already open for him.

They’ve never gone further than this before. They’ve done _this_ a lot. Kissing. Touching. But never anything more.

Rey knows she wants to. And is pretty sure Finn wants to, too – although she’ll ask him properly on another occasion when his hands aren’t on her ass and their decision making skills aren’t clouded by the fact things are very hot right now – but she’s scared. So for now, this is as much as they do. And it’s okay.

Just as Finn’s hands move forward to rub at the tops of her thighs, they’re startled and interrupted by a loud beeping noise coming from the oven. It beeps ten times, telling them that their food is ready, and they have to break away from each other.

They’re panting, breath hot against each other’s faces. When Rey opens her eyes to look in to his, she sees how large his pupils are, and how his lips are shiny from hers. She smiles, letting out a breath.

“That was…,” she can’t come up with words for what that was. It was magical. Sexy. Beautiful. “…Something I want to do again.”

Finn chuckles and kisses her quickly. “Me, too.”

“You’re a bit of a genius, you know that?”

He grins. (As much as Rey loves his grins and could stare at them forever, they always make her want to kiss them away). “I know.”

And if Rey hadn’t been sure that this was a great plan when she’d first pulled him in for that kiss ten minutes ago; she’s _definitely_ sure now, when Finn walks over to turn the oven off and she sees the back of his neck, his arms, his beautiful cheeks. She gets to kiss them now. She gets to kiss _him_.

This is the best idea he’s ever had.

 

And, when they sit down to eat, it’s strange that it’s not awkward. They go back to acting like normal; just talking about boring, everyday things like work and friends and food. They act like they haven’t just been making out ten minutes ago. They act like there _isn’t_ a mark on Rey’s neck from where Finn had sucked her skin.

It feels weird, but only because it’s _not_ weird.

It’s a good weird.

Rey thinks she could get used to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wHY AM I SO DUBIOUS ABOUT THIS FIC??? i have such a love hate relationship with writing atm tbh. i really hope this was okay :')))  
> i'm hoping to update on Tuesdays and Fridays, but because I'm me it'll probaby more likely just be Fridays :')  
> Please do leave kudos if you enjoyed, and if you can pls comment to let me know what you think!! Thank you for reading :) 
> 
> Love :* xxx


	2. ii

Rey heads to Finn’s apartment after work for an hour or so before they head to her dad’s house for dinner. Finn's place is on the way to her dad’s, and they usually just spend time watching TV shows in the space between.

But this time, because they’ve been doing the whole “friends with benefits” thing for a couple weeks now, Rey knows that other stuff will probably go down. And she’s perfectly okay with that.

She knocks on the door and only has to wait a few seconds before it opens, and Finn’s standing there with a grin on his face.

“Hey,” he says. He’s looking at her with his sappy face, not his I’m-So-Turned-On-By-You-Right-Now face. (Sometimes, the two mix together, and it’s too much for Rey to handle).

“Hi,” she smiles at him and takes off her coat, hanging it up on the hook by the door.

“How was your day?”

“Alright. Kinda busy. I’m tired now.”

Finn reaches out with the TV remote to turn off the screen and then turns back to her. “That sucks.”

“Yeah,” she shrugs, though, and offers him a smile, slumping down on his sofa. He joins her moments later. “How was your day?”

“Good, thanks. I’ve just been running errands.”

“What were you watching?” She nods towards the TV, then leans her head back casually against the back of the sofa, turning it to face him a little.

“Just some daytime TV show about house renovation.”

“Ooh, I love those shows.”

He grins at her, eyes shining. “I know you do.”

Rey sighs, but it’s not a bad sigh; more like a heavy exhale. She looks away from him, gazing up at the ceiling, letting herself relax after a busy day.

When she turns back to Finn, he’s looking away, too, but he looks back at her when she does.

“I, uh, guess you’re probably too tired for, you know…,” he looks at her from under his eyelashes, suggestively, bringing his finger up to touch his bottom lip. Rey wonders when he got so good at that seductive stare. (It makes her stomach twist and burn with want). “…A little bit of…lip action. If you are, that’s okay. We can just chill.”

Rey smirks, but shuffles closer to him. “Did you just say ‘lip action’? Really?”

He grimaces. “Yeah. Sorry. That wasn’t very sexy, was it? I—”

Rey cuts him off with her lips, practically _diving_ in to him, knocking him back slightly with the force of how she kisses him. He makes a pleasantly surprised noise, his hand coming up to cup the back of her head. Her hair is up in its usual three buns that she wears to work. Rey hopes he takes them out for her. (For some reason, she really loves when he does that.)

They pull apart after a moment and grin at each other, Finn shuffling in his position so he can lie down with his head resting on the arm of the couch. She crawls so she’s hovering above him, but her knees and arms are in awkward positions because the sofa isn’t really that wide; so Finn just gently tugs her down until she’s lying flat out on top of him, and she grins appreciatively down at him.

Taking a moment before leaning back in, Rey traces her fingers down his face, looking him all over. He’s so _beautiful_. Rey could spend hours thinking of words to describe the way he looks. Beautiful kind of encapsulates it all, but it still isn’t enough.

When he swallows, she sees his Adam’s apple bob down and then up again, and she instinctively leans down to try and catch it with her mouth. When she fails, she just opts for kissing his neck instead, starting with her lips closed but then soon sucking on his skin, working up his jaw to his ears and then back down towards his throat. Meanwhile, Finn’s hands trace up her spine, slowly, teasingly. His fingers dance along her T-shirt and, when he reaches the back of her head, Rey moans approvingly when he starts undoing the buns in her hair. 

Each time he undoes one, his fingers run through her locks, right from the roots to the ends. It feels so good that it makes Rey’s skin rise in to goosebumps, and she shivers. 

“Kiss me,” Finn whispers.

“I am,” she murmurs in to the crook of his neck.

“Kiss me _properly_ ,” he takes out the second bun, slowly running his hands down through her hair, smoothing out the kinks. “Please.”

Rey chuckles, her breath hot against the shell of his ear now. “Okay, okay,” she pulls back just for a second to grin mischievously at him. “So demanding.”

He only has a moment to chuckle back before she’s kissing him on the lips, mouth already open, tongue licking along his bottom lip. Her hands run down his side, over his T-shirt, fingers spread out against him.

And it’s not until forty-five minutes later when Rey happens to glance up at the clock as she’s moving from Finn’s neck to his lips that she realises they’re going to be late for dinner. 

“Finn,” she says, breathless, pulling back to look at him.

His eyes are still closed as he reaches out to pull her back in again.

“No, Finn,” laughing, Rey cups her hands on his cheeks and smiles as he opens his eyes in to hers. “We have to go. We’re gonna be late.”

“What time is it?” His eyelids are heavy because he’s had them closed for so long.

“Well, we have ten minutes to get to my dad’s house. And, well…your apartment is a ten minute drive from there. So if we hurry…,”

Finn pouts, brushing some hair off her face. “I don’t want to stop.”

“I know, neither do I,” she pecks him on the lips. “But we’ve got to. Come on,” she pushes herself up off him and stands up, grinning down at him. Her lips turn up in to a smirk when she realises his shirt is halfway up his chest, and there’s a patch on his neck that is actually wet where she’s been kissing his skin.

He sighs dramatically. “I know how your dad hates it when we’re late.”

“Yup.”

Finn gets up and stretches, letting out a satisfied noise, and it makes Rey smile. He looks so darn cute right now; what with his shirt folded up at the hem, his eyes all sleepy and a contented little smile on his face.

“What?” He asks when he looks at her and sees she’s just staring at him, a dorky little smile on her own face.

“Nothing,” Rey tears her eyes away, but no matter how hard she tries, she just can’t shift the smile.

 

They only get to her dad’s house five minutes late, and he greets them with a big smile and bigger hugs.

“Hi, dad,” Rey grins, hugging him tight.

“Hi, guys. Come in, come in. Hey, Finn,” Luke grins, leaning in to hug him. “How are you doing? It’s been a while.”

“Dad, it’s only been a week.” Rey rolls her eyes playfully, heading in to the kitchen.

“It feels like forever since I last saw this guy. How has it only been a week?”

“I have that effect on people,” Finn grins, and they can’t see but Rey’s rolling her eyes again.

They follow her in to the kitchen.

“What’s for dinner?”

“Pizza! Your favourite, Rey.”

Rey grins. “Awesome. It smells delicious.”

Halfway through the meal, Rey notices her dad giving her an odd glance as Finn tells them about the old lady he met at the store yesterday. Rey glances back at him with a curious frown, taking a bite of her pizza, and that’s when she suddenly remembers the fact that she’s got a hickey on the base of her neck, and her dad never misses anything.

Her cheeks flush red in an instant and she immediately withdraws her foot from Finn’s leg under the table just in case he happens to notice that too.

Whoops.

There’s a possibility that he _didn’t_ actually see it, but when they’ve finished eating and the doorbell rings and Finn says he’ll get it, and Luke turns to Rey with a raised eyebrow, Rey knows that he did.

“So, Rey,” Luke starts. “About that thing that you’ve got on your…,”

“I burnt myself with the curling iron, okay?”

“Ah, that old chestnut,” he smirks, picking up the plates from the table and heading over to the dishwasher. “Also, you didn’t even know what I was going to say.”

Rey’s cheeks blush an even deeper shade of red, and she nervously fiddles with the hem of her shirt, looking down at her lap.

“So, about that hickey on your neck.”

“It’s not a hickey, dad.” But she won’t look at him, and she knows he’s looking at her now. If she and her dad weren’t so close, this would be a _heck_ of a lot more embarrassing. Luke is a chill dad, mostly speaking, and he would never freak out over something like this. He may get protective in some cases, but not usually; so it’s not like Rey is worried about him getting all flustered. It’s just… _embarrassing._

Rey finds herself silently questioning, _who talks to their dads about hickeys? Is that a thing? If it is, how do people do that without dying of awkwardness?_

“Rey.” His tone is dry.

Rey looks up at him without moving her head to see that he’s just standing there with an eyebrow raised, as if to say _come on, Rey, this is me._

Rolling her eyes, Rey looks back down again, nervously shrugging her shoulders.

“I’m not asking for the gory details or anything, but…is it Finn? Are you two, you know…back together?”

“Dad, I really don’t want to talk about this.”

“Okay, okay, I just—want to make sure everything’s okay.”

“No, you want to make sure that I’m not out hooking up with random guys I find on the street every night.”

“Okay, that’s an exaggeration. I know you wouldn’t do that.”

“Then why are you asking me about this? I don’t feel comfortable talking to my own _dad_ about hickeys.”

Luke sighs. “I’m not saying that you _should_ feel comfortable with it. Although there really is no reason to be embarrassed. And we don’t _have_ to talk about this. I just…I know that you would’ve spoken with your mother about this kind of thing, and I just…,” his tone has gone suddenly soft, and when she looks up at him, his smug smirk has been replaced by a gentle little frown. He’s looking at her with soft and sad eyes.

“Dad,” Rey gets up from her seat and walks over to give him a hug. “I know you feel like you have to be a mum to me as well as a father. But really, I would talk to you about this kind of thing if I felt I had to. I promise. But really, this—this isn’t a big deal.”

“I just worry,” he admits as they pull away. “That you’re going to settle for someone who doesn’t deserve you, just because you’re trying to get over your feelings for Finn.”

Rey’s eyes nearly pop out of her head and she scoffs, waving her hand out in a confused way. “What? What makes you think that!? That’s…that’s crazy talk, I don’t still have feelings for Finn! I…,” but the more hysterical her voice gets, the higher Luke’s eyebrow raises, and she knows he’s not convinced. He seriously has a way of knowing _everything_.

“Okay, okay. You got me.”

“It’s okay,” Luke chuckles, turning back to the dishwasher and loading in the dishes. “I don’t think he’s over his feelings for you, either.”

Rey releases an involuntary little snort. “I know he isn’t.” She murmurs to herself.

Luke’s head snaps back around to her. “What was that?”

“Nothing!”

“You said you know he isn’t over his feelings,” a grin is on his lips now. “So it _was_ Finn who gave you that!”

“ _Dad_!”

“Sorry, sorry!” he laughs, reaching out to pat Rey on the arm. “I’ll stop being an embarrassing dad now. But…before I stop. I’m happy for you. You two make a great couple.”

“Oh, no, we’re—we’re not a couple.”

He frowns again. “What?”

“It’s…it’s complicated.”

“Sounds it.”

“Don’t look at me like that,” Rey points an accusatory finger at her dad. “You don’t get to know every little secret of mine.”

Luke sighs, resigned, and shakes his head. “Fine, fine. But just—make sure you're… _safe_ , yeah?”

“Safe with what?”

Rey nearly jumps out of her skin when Finn’s voice enters the room again, and he looks amused when she turns to him with wide eyes and a hand placed dramatically over her chest.

“Finn, you scared the life out of me!”

“Sorry,” Finn chuckles. “So what are we being safe about?”

“Oh, nothing, just…ordering stuff online.”

Finn doesn’t look convinced. He looks to Luke curiously, but he just shrugs and turns away, chuckling silently to himself.

Rey wants to yell at him to shut up, to be honest.

But Finn lets it go soon enough, and places the parcel on the counter beside the door.

“I’m sorry I took so long. The delivery guy was a friend of mine from college. Haven’t seen him in a while.”

“It’s fine.”

“Yeah, we were having entertaining discussions.” Luke smirks.

Finn smirks, too. “About what?”

“Dad was just being _annoying_. As usual.”

Finn laughs and Luke laughs, and Rey laughs eventually, too.

She has her two favourite men, and everything feels just right.

 

“My dad is on to us,” Rey says as soon as they pull out of her dad’s road.

“What?” Finn is driving, looking out at the road ahead with one hand on the wheel and the other sitting on his lap. Rey tries not to stare at him too much, but, gosh, _how does he look so beautiful from every angle?_

“I mean,” Rey shrugs, “he knows _something_ is going on. And it’s all your fault.”

“What? Why?” He glances over at her for a brief moment, a strange look on his face that’s a mixture of a smirk and horror.

“Because you gave me the most fucking obvious hickey in the entire world.”

Finn chuckles, his head tipping back a little as he laughs. Rey watches his Adam’s apple. She wants to kiss his neck. _She always wants to kiss his neck_.

“Sorry,” he laughs, “I’ll try and be more careful next time.”

“Liar. You’ll just get caught up in the moment.”

“It’s not like you _want_ me to stop sucking your neck.”

Rey feels a flutter in her stomach. She has to tear her eyes away from him, or else she thinks she might explode. “Maybe next time we should _check_ my neck for hickeys before we go right ahead and visit my dad who sees _everything_.”

He laughs again. Rey finds herself smiling softly and looking back at him discreetly as a moment of silence passes over them.

He looks back at her for a second just before he speaks, and Rey glances away.

“So,” he starts, smirking a little. “What was your dad’s reaction?”

Rey nervously pulls her lips together. “Well…at first he thought we’d gotten back together. I just…told him we hadn’t. That’s all I told him. I think he was just worried that I got it from some random guy at the pub.”

Finn laughs. “In hindsight, I guess I should’ve thought about the fact he would’ve seen a hickey. He does see everything.”

“Yup. Well, I guess you live and learn.”

He laughs again, and Rey’s heart feels warm at the sound, and it’s strange. She almost wants to tell him she loves him right now, which she knows she absolutely cannot do. The whole point in this friends with benefits thing is to be doing the fun stuff but without the feelings.…

There’s a tiny moment in Rey’s mind where she realises that there might be a problem here, but she doesn’t even let herself dwell on the thought, because she gets to _kiss Finn_. That’s enough for now. It has to be enough.

And then she’s distracted again, because he’s singing along to the radio at the top of his voice, and she’s joining in; both of them with the knowledge that when they get back to her place, he’s not going to leave for another hour because Rey plans on kissing him until his lips go numb and she has several other hickeys marked across her skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SMUT NEXT CHAPTER Y'ALL 
> 
> thank you for reading!! i'm not at home rn and the wifi here is so sketchy so i'm pretty proud of myself for uploading this tbh. #dedication 
> 
> thank you for all your comments on the first chapter! let me know what you think of this update, too, if you can :) 
> 
> Love :* xxx


	3. iii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyyyy, a whole chapter dedicated purely to smut. Enjoy, friends.

They’ve been lying on Rey’s bed watching Frozen for hours now, not touching each other, just lying in their own personal spaces. They talk about their favourite scenes and laugh at the funny bits; Finn finding it especially hilarious when Olaf says “I don’t have a skull. Or bones.” And Rey finds Finn’s reaction funnier than the actual line.

When the credits start to roll, Rey turns to face him, a soft look in her eye. He looks at her in return, smiling gently. It’s still a mystery; how the mood between them can change so _suddenly_. One minute it’s sweet and light and friendly, and they’re just acting like normal; like friends.

And then the next minute, they’re gazing at each other; pupils dilated, teeth sinking in to bottom lips, pulses racing. And all of a sudden it’s like the whole room is hot. Like the whole room is hot and each other are the only sources of water.

She shuffles in closer. Reaches out with her hand to cup the side of his face. His cheeks are hot under her skin. He’s looking right at her, with those wide eyes full of so much desire.

Just as Rey’s about to lean in and kiss him, her lips already open, he places a gentle hand on her shoulder to hold her back.

“Everything okay?” She asks, frowning. 

“Yeah, everything’s fine, Rey, I just—I wanted to ask you something. Can I ask you something?”

Rey nods. “Of course.”

“I just…I was wondering. We’ve been—we’ve been doing this for a while now. You know. Kissing. And I just wondered how you felt about, um…,” he clears his throat, looking away for a small moment. “You know. Taking things further. Doing more…stuff.”

Rey swears her heart literally _flips_ in her chest, and her stomach flutters like crazy, and she can’t stop her eyes from widening.

“Not full on sex, or anything, unless—unless you want to! We can. If you want. But I just meant—other stuff. Do you want to try? We don’t have to. I don’t want to pressure you. I just want to make sure I know how far to go.”

Rey can’t help but smile. She’s been too nervous to ask him first about this, so the fact he is asking her first is _such_ a relief. Her stomach flutters with anticipation.

“Yes, I—I want to try other things.”

“Yeah?” His eyes light up a little and he obviously tries to conceal it, but Rey doesn’t miss it.

She smiles, nodding and reaching out to cup his face in her hands. “Yeah.”

He strokes the side of her face, and Rey feels like she has to look away, because the way he’s looking at her isn’t part of the deal. He can’t make her feel things like this. Warm, fuzzy feelings.

She blames it on the fact she’s ridiculously turned on right now and probably already wet, and lets him lean in to kiss her, softly, slowly. She wants more.

She wants _more_.

“What do you want to do?” He asks, looking in to her eyes; but his face is so close to hers that he can only look in to one eye at a time.

“Um…maybe…,” biting her lip, trying her hardest to maintain his eye contact - because she’s scared if she looks anywhere else, she might never be able to look back at him and his soft, gentle eyes - she reaches down to take his hand and then wraps her grip around two of his fingers, his middle and his index.

“Maybe you could…touch me,” her voice is just a whisper. Because apparently it’s easier to say things like this when she’s just breathing out the words. “With your fingers.”

Finn’s eyebrows raise a little. “You—you mean…?”

Rey squeezes his fingers and nods, biting her lip again and leaning in so her lips are just barely brushing against his.

“I want you to finger me.” She whispers, breath hot against his mouth.

She could swear she hears Finn’s breath catch in his throat. He nods, leaning back in to kiss her. “Yeah,” he whispers in return, breaking up his sentence with another kiss. “Yeah, I can do that.”

“O—only if you want to.”

“Oh, Rey,” he takes his hand out of hers and moves down so he’s pressing his palm against her stomach, just under the hem of her shirt. “I want to. I really, really want to.”

Her heart is beating out of her chest, pounding against her ribcage like it’s trying to escape, and there are butterflies in her stomach. She’s touched herself plenty of times, sure, but no one else has ever touched her. And she’s glad that it’s with Finn. Glad that she doesn’t have to worry about looking perfect or being perfect; because it’s Finn and he’s seen her in the morning with wrinkled pyjamas and morning breath.

But still, this is the newest of territory, and as much as she knows she wants this – as much as she will say _yes, yes, yes_ every time he asks her if she’s sure – there’s still nerves. Anticipation. Uncertainty of what this will feel like.

“You’re nervous, aren’t you?” he looks right in to her eyes, his finger tracing circles against her stomach.

“Yeah. I…I am.”

He kisses her on the lips. “Don’t be,” he says, “please. I’ll look after you, okay?”

Rey nods silently. He kisses her again, this time with his lips open against hers, mouth warm and wet and soft. He tastes so familiar, smells so familiar. This is Finn. She doesn’t have to be scared.

“Can I?”

Rey realises she’s been so focused on trying to get herself to calm down – to relax her muscles or else he won’t ever be able to get his fingers inside her – that she hasn’t even realised that he’s playing with the edge of her leggings and underwear; gently pinching the fabric in between his fingers.

She nods. “Yeah,” and then, because she wants him to know how sure she is, “please.”

Finn’s lips are on hers again. He’s holding himself up beside her on his elbow, brushing the backs of his fingertips along her arm, almost absentmindedly.

“I’m gonna start slow, okay? Tell me what you don’t like, and definitely tell me what you do, so I can do more.”

Her stomach jumps again; this time with _want_.

Slowly and carefully, he pulls down both her leggings and her underwear, and Rey tries not to gasp when she feels herself being exposed to the open air. No one has ever seen this much of her before.

When she looks at him, he’s not staring at her nakedness, which, in hindsight, was to be expected. (Although she wouldn't have blamed him.) He’s the most thoughtful, respectful person Rey knows.

Instead, he’s just looking at her face, moving his hand down her stomach and towards her mound; watching her, making sure she’s okay.

Rey parts her legs a little bit, bending them at the knees. She can’t hold his gaze any longer; it’s overwhelming. Too many feelings. Too much going on in her stomach.

Instead, she looks up at the ceiling and focuses her attention on his hands. This is better. Now she can just focus on how it feels, how ready she is; how much she wants this.

And then his finger dips down to her entrance, feeling how wet she is, and he gasps just a little when he feels it. She looks back at him, because the longer they’re here, the more comfortable she’s getting.

His finger slowly moves up her lips and brushes so lightly against her clit, and she gasps in a breath, clenching her hand against the bed sheets.

“Okay?” He asks.

Rey nods. “Mhmm,” she manages to squeak out. “Do that again. Please.”

He grins, doing as she asks; moving his finger up and down in slow, long movements over and over again, making the burning inside her grow even more intense with every passing moment.

He changes his pattern a little, this time rubbing his fingers around in a circle, around her lips and brushing over her clit every time the circle is completed. When he finds a good rhythm that has Rey biting down on her bottom lip and closing her eyes so she can properly enjoy how this feels, Finn leans in and attaches his lips to her neck, opening his mouth and kissing over her skin in long movements.

“Finn,” Rey gasps. Her hips are grinding up in to his hand, and she can hear the wet sounds of her pussy and the sounds of Finn’s lips on her neck combining.

He moans in to her skin when he presses against her clit and Rey writhes underneath him.

“Finn,” she breathes again, and this time it’s the start of a sentence. “I need you—inside…,” she’s still whispering. Finn trails his lips up over her jaw towards her lips and then he’s kissing her with open lips and his tongue just flicking against hers, finger still pressing circles against her clit.

After a moment, Finn slowly moves his hand down so he’s teasing at her entrance, and then he’s slowly pushing one inside of her, and Rey has to grab hold of Finn’s shoulders in a desperate attempt to ground herself.

She’s felt this before. Fingers inside her. But it’s never been someone else’s fingers and, gosh, is it _different_. A good different; a very good different.

“Okay?” He whispers in her ear, gently tugging on her earlobe with his teeth.

“Yes,” she nods rapidly. Her nails dig in to the fabric of his T-shirt over his shoulders, and his lips are on her throat now, matching the rhythm of his finger pumping in and out of her.

He’s moving in slow, gentle movements. Rey wriggles a little, grabbing his face in her hands so she can kiss him properly on the lips.

“Harder,” she breathes against his mouth, “please.”

Finn groans, doing as she asks and leaning in to kiss her, mouth open and warm and familiar. Another finger goes in. Rey takes the opportunity to wrap one hand around the back of his neck and use the other to explore the expanse of his back. She ends up lifting up the hem of his shirt by accident but uses it as an excuse to run her palm up from the bottom of his back right up to the top, her hand right against his warm skin.

He moans against her again, and Rey thanks her lucky stars that Finn is vocal when it comes to anything like this. (It really, really turns her on).

And then, his thumb is pressing against her clit, working in circles and tapping at it rhythmically, and Rey gasps, pulling away from his mouth for a moment and digging her nails in to his hair.

“Yes, that’s—that’s good, Finn—” she whimpers, and doesn’t have the capacity to feel self conscious about it right now, “more—”

There’s a familiar heat building between her legs and through her core, as she pulses around his hand. Finn is kissing her neck again. Moving his lips over her collar bone, her jaw.

Rey brings her hands up to his cheeks to guide his lips back to hers, pushing her tongue in to his mouth and licking at him like he’s the last of the jam in the jar. He pushes his fingers in deeper, harder, going in more firmly around her clit.

“Mm,” Rey murmurs against his lips. And then, between kisses, between movements of their lips, “Finn, I—I’m close—”

“Come on,” he whispers, “come on, Rey.” He’s talking in a cross between a whisper and a growl, and Rey has never, in her whole entire life, been this turned on.

He pushes his fingers in especially deep and curls them inside of her, pressing his thumb right against her clit, and that’s all it takes for Rey to completely come undone.

She’s never come in front of anyone else before, and it feels like she should be embarrassed by it, in a weird way; but the pleasure wracking through her entire body is her main focus right now, and it’s made even better when Finn moans against her lips and thrusts his own hips against the mattress.

“Rey, Rey, Rey…,” he moans, still fucking her with his hand as her orgasm begins to slow.

“Finn,” she responds, messily kissing and sucking at his lips, her breaths coming in short pants now; Finn’s breath hot as he breathes in to her lungs.

When she comes down and her hips eventually slow, her muscles completely relaxing, she slumps against the bed and closes her eyes, head tilted up towards the ceiling with her eyes closed.

Finn isn’t kissing her anymore. His fingers are inside her still, but he’s not moving them anymore. After a moment, Rey’s sleepy eyes open to find him just gazing down at her, looking at her with those eyes that make her feel weak in the knees. It’s his sappy face. The face he used to look at her with all the time when they were together.

She has to look away.

“That was…,” her voice is hoarse, “that was…amazing.”

He grins, and she sees it in her peripheral vision. Slowly, he brings his fingers out from inside her, and Rey finds herself whimpering just a little pathetically at the lack of contact. (She could’ve stayed like that all day, to be honest).

Sweat is shining on her brow, and she tries not to think about the fact she can feel him pressing against her thigh, because the idea of that is just too much for her right now.

When Rey sees the fingers that were just inside her, the way they and the rest of his hand are wet with her juices, she finds herself reaching out to take his hand and bring it up to her mouth.

Tentatively, she licks it, and then sucks on his finger. Finn groans again and Rey opens her eyes to find him looking at her with blown pupils and his teeth sunk in to his bottom lip.

When she pulls his hand out, her lips are turned up in a devious smirk.

“You’re trying to kill me,” he moans.

Laughing, Rey pulls him in for a kiss. “You’re welcome.”

* * *

And it’s only a few weeks later that they decide to go all the way.

Finn is underneath her, shirtless, and she’s straddling his hips with just their underwear separating them.

She leans down to kiss him, her hands supporting her weight on the pillows beside his head. He angles his chin up to kiss her, their mouths moving together fast but coordinated and hot. His hands are sitting low on her waist, almost at her hips; fingers burning sparks in to her skin (and this isn’t even the best part).   
Rey can feel him hard underneath her thigh. It makes her stomach flutter with anticipation.

And it’s surprising how she’s not at all nervous. At least, not in the way she expected to be. It’s kind of unknown, sure, so there’s always going to be that uncertainty of what she should expect; but Finn has touched her so many times before, and he’s _seen_ her before, and she’s seen him. It’s not entirely new, and Rey is glad about that. Glad that Finn knows what she likes and what she doesn’t like. Glad that they’ve taken their time, but also not left it so long that they’re just so filled with desire that they rush the whole thing.

Rey moans a little when he pushes his tongue in to her mouth and moves it against her own, his hands finding their way down to palm at her ass.

She pulls away after a moment and plays with the edges of his underwear.

“Can I?”

Finn licks his lips ( _God_ , when he does that…) and nods. “Yeah.”

Grinning, Rey pulls his boxers down and then leans back in to kiss him, her hand finding its way to his cock.

Finn moans in to her mouth when she gently squeezes, and Rey giggles against him.

“You know,” he breathes out, “no one would ever guess you’d never done that before when you are so—” he inhales sharply through his teeth when she moves her hand up and down and brushes her thumb over the tip, “— _good at it—_ ” he grits out, closing his eyes, his head tipping back.

Rey laughs. She kneels up and takes it upon herself to remove her own underwear. Now they’re both naked, skin-on-skin, _finally_ , and as she slides a condom on to him, Rey feels like she’s about to explode.

Finn looks like he might, too, when she lines him up with her entrance and meets his eyes, raising her eyebrows in question.

“Are you ready?”

Finn nods, taking a gentle hold of her hips. “Yeah.”

Rey nods, too, and gives him a toothy grin as her hands settle on his chest as she begins slowly edging down on to him. As she’s moving down, slowly and carefully, getting used to this new but incredibly _good_ feeling; Rey slides her hands down his chest and then back up again. Her eyes are closed, but when she’s touching his stomach and shoulders, she can see him in her mind’s eye. Every plane, every curve, every angle. It’s Finn. It’s beautiful, lovely, _amazing_ Finn and she has him underneath her, and he’s _inside her_. The whole thing is making her smile and bite her lip, and Finn moans, his grip on her hips tightening.

“Okay?” She cracks one eye open to look at him. Finds him lying there with a look of complete bliss on his face and a look in his eyes that Rey has definitely seen before, but right now it feels very different and a whole lot more…intimate.

He breathes out a laugh. “I was going to ask you the same question.”

“I’m better than okay,” her voice is breathy and blissful. When he’s fully buried to the hilt inside of her, Rey sighs and leans down to place a soft kiss on his lips; short but lingering as she feels it on her lips even after she’s pulled away.

“Finally,” she whispers. “I get to ride you.” And she says it with absolutely no shame, and the noise Finn makes afterwards is a mixture of a laugh and a moan because she’s starting to gently thrust her hips. His hands on her hips tighten for just a moment before he’s moving them up her waist, and to her ribcage, mapping out each plane of her ribs before one hand settles against her breast.

His hips meet her thrusts a little awkwardly at first, but they soon find a rhythm, which makes Rey sigh. Her eyes are closed and she tips her head backwards, gasping with each movement of their hips together; each time he thrusts inside of her.

“Finn,” she whines when his finger and thumb play with her nipple. “You feel—so good,” her voice is almost just a whisper, “so, so good.”

“Mmm,” Finn moans in response, moving his hips up in to her just a little harder this time.

When Rey opens her eyes to look at him, she sees that he’s looking at her with his teeth sunk in to his bottom lip; eyes hooded and filled with desire. Rey almost wants to reach out and take his hand, lacing their fingers together; smile at him and whisper sweet words in to his skin.

But she pushes away the thought because her thoughts really do betray her – now is not the time for sappiness; they’ve already agreed on that – and it’s easy to forget that thought when she tightens around him and his moan is long and desperate.

“Finn, my—my clit,” she whispers, closing her eyes again, feeling a swell of emotion as he smiles at her.

He does as she asks, immediately moving his hand from her breast to trail softly down her stomach; brushing over her navel before settling against her clit and rubbing in a circle.

“Mm,” Rey murmurs. “Yes— _yes_ —”

(And it’s maybe the hottest thing Finn has ever heard, so he keeps going.)

“Rey, you look so fucking beautiful,” he says, his voice strangled, but strangely in a good way. “So beautiful.”

Rey grins, leaning down just a little to run her hands over his hair, their faces now close. Her hips are still thrusting in to his, slowly and carefully now, and he’s lying still because just her moving on her own is enough.

She places kisses all over his face; starting with her mouth closed but soon opening it as she kisses his chin and his jaw and his ears. Finn moans, hips moving again, finger pressing in further against her clit.

“Oh, yes, Finn,” she sits back up again, and Finn almost sighs at the lack of her lips on his skin but then she’s tightening around him again and thrusting even harder. “Right _there_ , yes—”

“Rey…,” he breathes, looking at her all over, having to close his own eyes when she closes hers and tips her head back and her neck is on full display. Her mouth is open, too; panting as she rides him.

“I’m—close,”

Just hearing her say those words is enough to drive Finn closer to the edge. All it takes for him to get there is her fingers tweaking his nipples and her pussy clenching around his cock _again_ , as she says his name over and over and over.

And it almost takes him by surprise, when he comes; but he does, and he cries out her name as a moan, his hand grabbing at her hip, his own hips thrusting up uncontrollably in to her.

“Oh, Finn!” She yells, coming soon after him, shaking and writhing above him, her nails lightly digging in to his chest.

She collapses on to him as she comes down, panting for air, her head resting against his sweat-covered chest. Finn’s hand sits against the small of her back, tracing in little circles, and Rey smiles.

“That was…amazing,” Finn says, his voice husky and warm. “You’re amazing, Rey.”

Rey hums a laugh. “You’re pretty great yourself.”

He holds her a little tighter against him, and then nuzzles his nose in to her hair, letting a hand run through it loosely. An urge takes over her, then; to bury her face in to his neck and wrap her arms around him; to place kisses on his skin and whisper words in to his ear. She does nuzzle her face in to his neck for a moment, smiling when she feels his hands running through her locks from the roots to the ends, over and over again, so gently and tenderly.

Soon, though, she rolls off him and leans down to pull the covers up over them, holding it over her breasts as the other half sits against Finn’s abdomen.

He rolls on to his side too and reaches out to brush his thumb over her cheek. Rey smiles. Lets herself close her eyes, because if she keeps them open and stares at him any longer, she’s going to give in and tell him that she loves him.

Silent moments pass, just the sound of their gradually slowing breathing being heard.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, opening her eyes, “I have to go.”

Finn frowns and leans in to nuzzle his nose against her neck. “No,” he murmurs, and Rey feels his voice on her skin. “Stay.”

She giggles when he nips at her ear lobe and then brushes kisses over that ticklish spot on her neck. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

When Finn pulls back, Rey cups her hand against his cheeks and looks right in to his eyes, her own eyes sleepy and happy. “That’s not part of this deal.”

“Fuck, you make it sound like a business transaction.”

Rey laughs. “You know what I mean.”

“We never said we couldn’t cuddle. Have you heard the stats on cuddling? Apparently it’s vital for health.”

“I never said we can never cuddle,” she props herself up on her elbow and leans in to kiss him on the lips. “We just can’t right _now_. I have to go tonight.” _And, besides, it'll make this too complicated,_ Rey thinks, but doesn't say it.

He sighs ruefully. “Okay. I suppose I’ll live.”

“Hey, make yourself feel better with this prospect: I’m free all day tomorrow. And you’re free all day tomorrow,” she kisses him, open mouth and all, and hitches her leg up on to his hip, tongue sliding over his bottom lip. “So you know what that means…,” she says, her voice a sing-song tune, eyes suggestive when she pulls back to look at him.

He moans, staring down at her lips. “Rey…you’re going to set me off all over again…,”

Playfully, she nips at his bottom lip. “Save it for tomorrow.”

“Are you _sure_ you can’t stay now?” Finn’s hand slides around her waist.

Rey giggles, kissing him one last time before pulling away and grinning at him. “I’m sure. But I’ll see you tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smutty smut smut smut 
> 
> i'm always so nervous about my smut writing skills like i never feel v adequate ya know?? ahh
> 
> sorry for the long wait btw!! i didn't get home when i thought i would but now i'm back and wifi is back so regular updates will (probably) continue :) 
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this, guys! do let me know what you think if you can, your comments make me so happy <3 
> 
> Love :* xxx


	4. iv

Finn and Rey have a wedding to go to.

One of their mutual friends is getting married. Her soon-to-be wife is actually someone Rey went to school with, which truly makes it seem like a small world.

Finn picks her up from her flat. When Rey opens the door to find him standing there in a suit and tie with his hair newly cut and his lips turned up in to a small smile, she almost _dies_.

Rey’s dress is dark red, floating down to her knees after a fitted waist, with spaghetti straps and a V-neck. Her shoes match the dress; they’re red platform heels with a little strap over the arch of each foot. Over her shoulders she has a black bolero cardigan, and there’s a denim jacket to go in the back of Finn’s car for the evening (the reception is outdoors, so it’ll get chilly).

Finn is wearing a black tux – which is unusual for him; he normally goes for suits with a bit of colour – with a shirt underneath that’s ever so slightly tinted pink, and his tie…seems to match Rey’s dress. That was entirely accidental, but she supposes at least they’ll look nice in pictures.

He looks so _good_. Rey has never known anyone be able to look so good both naked _and_ fully clothed.

His sleeves cling to his biceps in just the right way, and he’s absently fiddling with one of the buttons on his blazer, making such a simple gesture look ridiculously attractive. Like he's posing for a magazine photo.

“Hey,” he grins.

“Hi,” she grins back. “You look very handsome.”

Because she’s totally allowed to say that, as a best friend. What she probably shouldn’t say, though, is, _you look really handsome and I’d quite like to hold your hand all day so that everyone knows I’m yours_.

“Thanks,” Finn positively beams at her. “You look…nice, too.”

Rey smiles at that, grabbing her bag and her spare jacket, about to swing it over her arm before Finn offers to take it for her. She accepts gladly and tries to resist the urge to link her arm through his.

* * *

 _Nice_.

He literally just said that Rey looked _nice_.

Who uses the word “nice” to describe someone who looks as beautiful as Rey? As stunning, as gorgeous, as _perfect_?

He could’ve at least said _you look beautiful_. He could’ve said more than _nice_.

She’s wearing a dark red dress that brings out the colour in her eyes and the freckles on her cheeks and shoulders. Her hair is pinned up at the sides, letting the rest of it fall down in freshly curled corkscrews that only just dance against her shoulders. And he’s only glanced at her legs – legs that he _worships_ in bed, because they are so fucking beautiful, just like the rest of her – but those high heels look…

 _Nice_ doesn’t even begin to cover it. And he’s an idiot, he feels like a complete idiot now, and he kind of wants to hold her hand. But that’s not part of the deal, so he knows he can’t.

Steeling his thoughts, Finn walks beside Rey towards his car, and spends the entire journey keeping his eyes fixed on the road because he knows that if he so much as glances at her for a split second, he won’t be able to look away again.

* * *

Jess and Amy are blissfully in love and the wedding is blissfully lovely; filled with laughter and love and pretty lights above them. At the reception afterwards, there’s a dance floor where the chairs were during the ceremony; chairs that have been cleared to the sides to sit around tables where people drink their drinks and talk together. Finn and Rey are sitting at a table with a lovely couple called Lola and Mike and another girl called Emily. They’re great people, truly; and Finn and Rey aren’t surprised, really, because Jess and Amy would never keep bad company.

“Rey!” Rey hears from across the meadow, and she turns to find Jess running towards her with a huge grin on her face. “Come dance with me, girl!”

Laughing, Rey accepts Jess’s hand and grins at Finn for a moment before getting up and following her on to the dance floor.

“This is such a beautiful wedding,” Rey says, shouting over the music as they move absently to the rhythm. “You and Amy did so well!”

“Thank you!” Jess grins. “I’ve loved every minute of it.”

“I can tell,” she grins in return and spins under Jess’s arm. “And you look beautiful.”

“Oh, thank you! So do you!”

“Thank you!”

They dance together for a little while; laughing, talking, doing ridiculous dance moves that are almost as bad as Rey’s dad’s dancing. (Almost. Not quite. It’d be hard to match that.)

“Okay, I’m _really_ thirsty, do you wanna grab a drink?” Jess says, out of breath and gesturing to her throat.

Nodding, Rey follows her over to the corner where there’s a smartly-dressed guy standing behind a bar under a tree, surrounded by fairy lights. It’s a sight Rey never imagined seeing, a bar under a tree, and it makes her giggle, because it’s so unique and so very Jess.

“So,” Jess sighs, sitting down on one of the barstools. The music is a little quieter here, so it’s easier to talk. Rey sits opposite her, and Jess orders them two ice waters before continuing her sentence. “How long have you and Finn been back together?”

Rey tries her hardest to stop her eyes from widening. “Oh, no, we’re not…we’re not together.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, we…we decided we work better as friends.”

“Are you sure about that?” Jess’s gaze moves over to where Finn is sitting, and Rey follows her line of sight to find him already looking at them – at _her_ , more specifically – with a small smile on his face. He looks away when they see him, but Jess clearly doesn’t miss the way Rey blushes, because she smirks.

“He did not just look at you like a friend.”

“Really, Jess? You’re going to spend your own wedding talking to me about _my_ love life?”

“Hey, I’m very highly invested in the Finn and Rey romance!” She teases, and Rey laughs, shaking her head.

“There is no ‘Finn and Rey romance’.” But she’s grinning and blushing, and considering how long Jess has known her, it’s not surprising that she’s seeing right through Rey’s lies.

“Mhmm. Sure. I believe you.”

“Alright, alright. Enough talk about me and Finn. Tell me about you and Amy! Where are you having a honeymoon?”

“Oh, just a little place a couple hours away in the countryside. It’s a little cabin with flowers up the walls outside, and a log fire. Little picket fence.”

“It sounds perfect.”

Jess grins. “It is.”

“Have you been before?”

She nods as she takes a sip of her water. “Yes, actually; we went there on our first vacation together. So it’s kind of meaningful.”

Rey cups a hand over her mouth. “That’s so cute!”

Jess opens her mouth to say something, but the song changes from fast to slow, and suddenly Amy is standing beside them, smiling down at her wife.

“I’m sorry, Rey, do you mind if I borrow my wife for a slow dance?” She smiles at Rey, and Rey grins.

“No, of course not! You go right ahead.”

As the newly-weds start towards the dance floor, Jess suddenly stops and turns to Rey. “Aren’t you coming?”

“Why?”

“To slow dance with Finn. Obviously.”

Rey rolls her eyes and laughs. “You are _unbelievable_.”

“It’s my wedding!” She calls over her shoulder as they begin to walk away again. “You gotta do what the bride wants!”

Rey is shaking her head, but she’s also standing up and maybe, possibly, smiling softly to herself at the prospect of dancing with Finn.

In that short time they were a couple, one of their favourite things to do when one of them was feeling down was put on some music and slow dance together in the kitchen, hands on waists and looking in to each other’s eyes; just enjoying the moment, being together, and letting the world around them fade away.

And they haven’t danced together since breaking up. And Rey would be lying if she said she hadn’t thought about doing it a _lot_.

Really, now is the perfect time to do so; because she actually has an excuse.

Before she knows it, her legs have taken her to Finn, and she has her hand on his shoulder. It’s too late to remove it by the time she’s realised it’s even there.

“Hey,” he grins up at her. “Alright?”

“Jess says we have to dance together,” Rey tries not to smile. “It’s…a slow song.”

There’s a tiny moment where Finn is silent. It’s not even enough time to make it in to a big deal, because it’s so short that Rey wonders if it even happened; but it’s there. He seems to hesitate; seems to be taken to another moment in time when things were better.

“Oh, um…,” he says, and it feels like a lifetime since she asked him. “Sure. Why not?”

“You don’t seem very keen there, Finn.” Rey teases as he stands up and they walk to the dance floor together.

“Don’t be silly,” he teases back, “Me? Not keen to be close to you? Never.”

Rey giggles, finding herself blushing and biting her lip.

They settle on a place on the floor and Rey hesitates for a moment, unsure of where to put her hands.

It’s strange. When they’re in her room with the door closed and the curtains drawn and their clothes all over the floor, touching Finn feels like the most natural, easy thing in the world. But as soon as they leave that all behind in her room, it’s like she can’t touch him; not even a brush of his arm when he says something funny.

Luckily, Finn makes the first move here, gently placing a hand on her waist and holding his other one out to their sides. Rey takes it, then places her other hand on his shoulder. He’s so warm and soft and familiar.

At first, she can’t quite meet his eyes. The song is slow and romantic, and honestly, Rey just wants to pull him in and hold him to her; press her face in to his neck and hold him close. Because that’s what she used to do. All that time ago, when they were together.

Back then, Rey had waited so long to call herself his, and it was finally happening, and she was constantly looking for a reason to cuddle him and touch him and hold him. And he would always let her. He would reciprocate; brushing his hands over her hair as they danced and whispering sweet words in to her ear before kissing the shell of it and squeezing her waist. She can still remember how it felt, back then. To be intimate, innocently. Feeling his heartbeat under her hand or her ear; hearing him tell her how much she meant to him.

“Why aren’t you looking at me?” Finn’s voice breaks her out of her thoughts and the suddenness of it makes her look right at him.

“Oh, sorry, I…was just…thinking.”

“Thinking.”

“Yeah.”

He squeezes her waist. “Everything OK?”

“Yeah, I…,” she looks down for a moment, shrugging one shoulder a little before meeting his eyes again. Her gaze turns soft, poignant. “I was just thinking about old times. When we used to dance together.” Her voice is barely there; thin and weak, like wet paper. Because she never really talks about ‘old times’. Too many feelings. They get in the way.

Finn’s lips turn up in to a tiny smile. “They were good times.”

“Yeah. They were.”

“I remember you used to like dancing to that song by Lonestar…,”

“ _Amazed_.”

“That’s the one,” he smiles at her, and it’s beautiful, because he’s looking her right in the eyes and his own eyes are sparkling, and she can’t possibly tear hers away. “And _Crazier_ by Taylor Swift.”

Rey grins shyly. “That’s a classic.”

“All very cheesy,” he grins, too.

“Yeah. I guess they were.”

There’s a moment of silence, but it’s not uncomfortable. The only reason Rey breaks her gaze away from Finn is because Jess catches her eye over his shoulder and winks at her. Rey blushes and gives Jess _a look_ , but she just laughs and holds Amy even tighter.

“What?” Finn smirks.

“Nothing,” Rey sighs. “Just Jess teasing us.”

“What’s new?”

She laughs and, without thinking, leans her head in to Finn’s shoulder, her nose brushing his neck. “Not much.”

Finn seems to stiffen, and that’s when Rey realises what she just did. She hasn’t…done that since they danced together back then.

She draws back, eyes suddenly wide. “Oh, sorry, I…I guess it’s just a force of habit.”

“No, it’s fine, Rey, really. You just surprised me, is all.”

She looks down.

“I actually liked it,” Finn says, and it’s his turn to sound shy and unsure. She looks back up at him. “I mean, I—I don’t mind it. If you want to do that.”

Tentatively, but with a smile, Rey leans her head back where it was, and lets her smile grow. Finn’s hand moves further around so it’s sitting against her lower back, and he squeezes her hand, resting his head against her forehead.

She closes her eyes. Listens to the music; feels Finn’s warmth under and around her. And somehow, right here, right now, this feels just as – if not more – intimate as the times when he’s inside her.

And, really, that’s kind of terrifying and definitely not part of the deal.

But she decides to worry about that later.

For now, she just enjoys _this_.

* * *

Finn keeps having moments where he wants to tell her he loves her. Where he wants to sit beside her and smile at her and say, _hey, baby, you look beautiful today._ He keeps looking at her and feeling his heart swell with something warm and fuzzy that he knows the exact word for.

And, yeah, this whole set up of being friends with benefits was his idea. And it’s a great idea. It’s still a great idea; Finn loves every single moment they spend together, whether it’s sitting separately on the sofa or moments where Rey is naked underneath or above him and she’s saying his name over and over again.

It’s good. It’s _great_.

But there’s always that part of him that just wants to pull her close, kiss her forehead; dance in the kitchen with her at random intervals.

It’s okay, though. Really, it is. He’s happy, and she’s happy, and that’s all that matters.

“Hey,” Rey says when she walks in to Finn’s apartment one afternoon. “I brought donuts.”

Finn’s eyes light up. “ _Nice_. You read my mind; I was just thinking how I could go for some donuts right about now,” he says, and Rey grins at him, placing the bag down on the kitchen counter. “What kind?” Peering in to the bag, his whole face lights up when he sees that they’re chocolate-covered sticky-toffee donuts. “My favourite!”

“Yup,” Rey grins, sitting down on one of the barstools. “Can you grab some plates?”

“Sure.”

He sits down opposite her and they eat together, and Finn smiles at the way she eats her donut. She doesn’t just pick it up and eat it. She pulls it apart in to little bite-sized pieces before doing anything, and by the time she’s putting the first piece in her mouth, Finn has already half finished his one.

It’s just little things like this; little things he finds so endearing about her.

“What?” Rey asks when she looks at him, catching him staring at her.

He looks away, but can’t quite get rid of his smile. “Nothing.”

“Were you just checking out my lips or something, or…?”

He can tell she’s smirking, and he takes another bite, smiling to himself. “No. Although, now that you mention it…,”

Giggling, Rey pops another piece in her mouth. When Finn looks back at her, his smile softens, and he glances down at her lips before looking in to her eyes. “Are you staying tonight?”

She shrugs one shoulder, almost shyly. “If you want me to.”

“Oh, I want you to.”

And there’s that look; that sudden look of lust in her eyes that can just appear out of nowhere. Finn kind of loves it.

“Oh yeah? And why’s that?”

He grins, leaning closer to her over the counter. “I think you know, Rey.”

She’s smirking; leaning closer, too. “Do I? Maybe you should show me.”

Slowly, Finn reaches out and brushes his fingers down her cheek. He stands up so he can properly lean forward to kiss her; just the tiniest brush of his lips against hers, soft and hot and lingering.

When he pulls back, Rey’s eyes are still closed, and her lips are turned up in to the tiniest of smiles. So he leans back in and kisses her again, this time with open lips that move against hers.

He pulls away just enough to look at her. “Something like that?” Finn teases, smirking when he sees that her eyes are half-lidded and dark with desire. She’s just gazing at his lips hungrily. Her tongue comes out to wet her own.

“Hmm…,” Rey reaches out and cups his cheek with her palm, and she nips playfully at his lower lip with her teeth, making Finn grin. She tastes like toffee and chocolate. “Maybe something a little more than that.”

“Oh yeah?”

She nods and presses her forehead in to his, breath brushing hot against his mouth. “Mhmm.”

He kisses her again.

And that’s how they end up with Rey on her back atop the kitchen counter and Finn above her, kissing her neck, shirtless and out of breath, plates carelessly pushed aside.

Yeah. Finn really could do this forever, with Rey.


	5. v

Rey wakes up to the sun shining in long, golden beams through the curtains of Finn’s bedroom window. They cast a glow across the room, and she takes a moment just to smile to herself. Birds can be heard outside, along with a few distant cars. And, closer to her, she can hear Finn’s breathing; soft and even.

Rolling over, she smiles just that little bit wider when she sees him lying there on his side, facing her with his arms tucked in to his chest. When he sleeps, there’s often a tiny little frown on his brow; so tiny, Rey knows she only notices it because she’s spent so long looking at him like this. His lips are pouting a little, too, and she’d kiss him if it wouldn’t wake him up.

The moment passes, though, when that deep urge inside her to reach out, cup his face, tell him she loves him more than anything, comes up once more and she can’t suppress it. Swallowing her feelings, Rey rolls over again and carefully gets out of bed, pulling a blanket around her before tip-toeing towards the door and keeping her eyes on Finn the whole time, making sure she doesn’t wake him.

Her clothes are strewn across the kitchen, which makes her smirk, and she has to suppress a laugh. Quietly, she gets dressed, chuckling to herself when she discovers her bra hanging over the back of a chair. She grabs her coat and her bag, and then leaves Finn’s apartment as discreetly as she can.

And it’s as she’s walking down the street towards her car that she realises something. Not for the first time, but this time, she lets her mind dwell on the thought.

Being friends with benefits with someone _usually_ works when you don’t actually have feelings for the person. Or, at least, that’s the only way Rey has ever heard of it actually working out without becoming a cliché of _we’ve-fallen-in-love-but-we-deny-it-and-fuck-anyway-and-it's-complicated_ kind of situation.

(Rey chooses to ignore the fact that that’s _almost_ what she and Finn have become now. But.)

She gets in her car and sits there for a moment, just contemplating.

It’s not like she never knew that she loves Finn. She did know, and she still does. That’s the whole reason they’re doing what they’re doing now; because they _do_ have feelings for each other (although Rey has never actually said _I love you, more than anything, more than I ever thought I could love anyone or anything_ ) but she is too scared to handle anything serious.

Which is fine. What they’re doing now is great. It’s fun. It was perfect, at first. It was just what both of them needed.

But now, it seems like every single time they have sex, it just gets more and more complicated. Because she wants to tell him she loves him. Wants to hold his hand while he’s inside her and hold _him_ afterwards; pressing little kisses in to his skin and tracing her finger over every inch, every curve, of his stomach and his chest.

At first, Rey was able to suppress these urges because it was always so fucking _good_ to be with him that none of it mattered. But now that it’s been months, she can’t stop it anymore. It’s just getting stronger. Feelings. The feelings she was trying to stop and ignore in the first place. They’re just growing. And it’s not until now that Rey realises how much better it could be to have sex with Finn if she actually let those feelings out.

She’s pretty sure he wants to have sex like that, too. That he wants to hold her afterwards and kiss her skin and tell her sweet words as they fall asleep.   
She’s sure of this because every time they finish, he always reaches out for her, just briefly, before pulling his arms back. Sometimes he’ll kiss the shell of her ear, almost pointedly, as if he wants to say something in to it. He slides his hands down her arms and acts like he wants to entwine their fingers together and squeeze her hands.

They’re both withdrawing their feelings from each other, because if they don’t, this just gets dangerous.

And the worst part is, Rey isn’t sure how much longer she can keep this up.

And then, as she sits here thinking over everything they’ve been through as she sits in front of Finn’s apartment block in her car that is kind of _freezing cold_ , Rey realises there are tears in her eyes. It’s like the time she told Finn she still had feelings for him; she just can’t stop herself from crying. It’s ridiculous. It feels so, so ridiculous.

This was never how it was supposed to go.

* * *

 

“So,” Luke says, pulling out a carton of orange juice from the fridge and grabbing two glasses. “How’s Finn?”

“He’s good,” Rey replies. She accepts the glass of juice with a smile and a ‘thanks’, watching as her dad sits opposite her at the table. “Dad…can I ask you something?”

He sits back in his chair and crosses one leg over the other, running a hand through his thinning hair. “Always.”

“Do you…think it’s silly, to be afraid of commitment? Of love?”

Luke frowns thoughtfully. “I…suppose it depends on the circumstances. Are we…talking hypothetically, or…?” He looks at her as though he _knows_ something – because, let’s face it, he usually does – and Rey blushes, looking away from him and down at the table, where she’s nervously swirling little patterns with her fingers.

“…Maybe not.”

“Are we talking about your feelings for Finn?”

“ _Dad_.”

“What? I’m just asking…I mean, I see the way you look at him—”

“Right, that’s it, I’m leaving.”

Luke laughs good-naturedly and grabs Rey’s hand when she walks past. She smiles playfully at him before sitting back down with a sigh, leaning on the table with her elbow.

“Okay,” Luke begins, “context aside; I think it can be almost _logical_ to be afraid of commitment, especially when one has been through a lot and lost people before. But I think it’s definitely a situation where we can’t let fear get the best of us. The logic of it is kind of irrelevant, because regardless of the fear, we have to push through it to find happiness beyond that fear. You know?”

Rey sighs again. “I thought you might say that.”

“You don’t sound pleased,” Luke muses, and without looking at him, she can tell he’s smirking. “Were you hoping for a different answer?”

She glares at him. “No. I really did want your opinion. I just knew what you were going to say.”

“Well, you know me well.”

She chuckles softly and shakes her head. “I guess I do.”

“But really…,” Luke leans in a little, and Rey meets his eyes to find that he’s looking at her softly; his brow furrowed just a little. “ _Are_ you okay? You can always tell me anything, Rey.”

Softly, Rey smiles at him and reaches out to take his hand. “I know I can, dad. I think I’m just…confused.”

Luke doesn’t say anything. He just raises his eyebrows and gives her a _look_ – a look that’s a mixture of curiosity and knowledge – and Rey knows what he’s trying to say without him needing to use words.

“ _Yes_ , okay—I’m confused about my feelings for Finn. There. I said it. Are you happy now?”

Luke just grins, and Rey hates it. “Yup.”

There’s a long, contemplative moment of silence. “But dad,” she says, and her voice is tiny, “I don’t know what to do.”

“Honey, it’s okay,” he chuckles softly and gives her hand a squeeze. “Feelings aren’t easy things to deal with. They’re in the grey area, where everything is kind of blurred. Which means that it can make it hard to find a way out of feelings, especially when they’re confused or conflicted ones, because that makes it all even blurrier. But you will find a way to figure it out; I promise you.”

Rey frowns desperately. She kind of feels like crying again. ( _This has got to stop happening_.) “You really think so?”

He nods. “I do, Rey. And the first step with that is probably admitting to someone that you _do_ have feelings for him; feelings that you need to work out.”

“He…kind of already knows.”

It’s Luke’s turn to frown. “What?”

Rey sighs in frustration, picking up her empty glass and taking it over to the sink. It’s time to be completely honest, she decides. Because keeping it to herself hasn’t done any good, and it’s turning in to this big thing in her head that’s just getting even heavier, the longer she keeps it inside.

“A few months ago, I…told him I still had feelings for him. But I also told him that I wasn’t ready to commit to anything; that I was afraid of losing him because of a new type of relationship between us.” She turns on the faucet and lets the water run hot before washing out her glass.

“And what did he say?”

“He said he still has feelings for me, too. And then…well…,” Rey flushes bright red, feeling grateful that she’s got her back to him so he can’t see her, and decides to skim over the surface of what _literally_ happens next in the story. “Stuff happened. But we’re still not together, and I…I don’t want to be. I don’t think I do. That’s what’s confusing—it’s the _I don’t think I do_ part.”

“Rey, sweetheart,” Luke starts softly, and she just knows what he’s going to say. “Only you can know your true feelings.”

She sighs. “I know,” and then, decidedly, “and I hate that.”

Luke chuckles. “I know. Feelings aren’t easy.”

“Feelings are a bitch,” Rey decides, now realising that no matter how much she tells anyone else how she feels, the only person who can truly work it out is herself. All on her own. No one can tell her what to do, no one can give her a magical solution; she just has to get this sorted on her own.

She was never supposed to feel like this. It’s all wrong. And now she feels trapped in this situation, and that’s the complete opposite of how this was meant to go.   
She dries off her cup and walks over to put it back in the cabinet. “Feelings are a _bitch_ , and I don’t want any part in them anymore.”

Her dad doesn’t say anything. But when she turns to him, he’s giving her that little frown; the one that is full of worry and just a little pity. She hates that frown. She hates feelings, and everything that they do to her and to other people.

“I have to go,” Rey looks down and grabs her keys from the worktop. “I have work early tomorrow.”

“Are you sure? You don’t need to talk some more?”

Tears. Stinging her eyes. _Again_.

Purposely, she doesn’t look at her dad as she heads for the door and grabs her things. She does hug him, though, and he seems to hold her extra tight.

“I’m sure,” she finally replies. “I’ll see you on Tuesday, yeah?”

Luke nods. “Yeah.… Oh, Rey?”

Rey turns back to him, the door half open behind her. “Yeah?”

“Things will work out.”

She tries for a smile. “Thanks.”

“Love you.”

“Love you too, dad.”

* * *

Monday

 

**Finn:** _Are you free tomorrow night? xx_

**Rey:** _Sorry, I’m out with Jess. X_

**Finn:** _Do you have work in the day? I’m free in the afternoon if you’re at home…xx_

**Rey:** _I can’t. I’m busy. Sorry. X_

**Finn:** _Okay. Just let me know when you’re free. :) xx_

Tuesday

 

_You have one missed call from: **Finn**. This contact left a voicemail. _

Rey stares at her phone. The little light blinking at the top keeps reminding her she has a message from Finn; probably a couple texts on top of the voicemail.

Eventually she gives in and listens.

_“Hey, Rey, it’s Finn. I was just calling to check if you’re okay. You’ve been quiet ever since the other night. And I wondered if you wanted to come over for movie and a pizza tonight. Let me know! Hope you’re okay.”_

Rey screws her eyes shut.

Finn does not deserve this. It’s only been two days of retreating in to herself and not replying to anyone, and she already feels ten times worse than she did before.

It’s not helping, but yet she can’t stop. She needs to think. Needs to sort all this out on her own. And getting Finn tangled up in the madness of her head is just going to make things worse; because he deserves better than that.

 

Wednesday

 

[8.30am] **Finn:** _I know you said you’re busy this morning but how about this afternoon? I have donuts…:D xx_

[9.30am] **Finn:** _Are you sure you’re okay? The last time you went quiet on me like this was when Han passed away. I’m here for you if you need me, you know that right?xx_

[11am] **Finn:** _Sorry, mentioning Han was probably a really stupid move and I’m sorry. Xxxx_

[1pm]: **Rey:** _Sorry I didn’t reply. I had to be in work early. I’m okay Finn. I’m just really busy. Xxx_

[1.05pm] **Finn:** _Are you sure? Xxx_

Rey feels like crying as she looks at the message thread. She feels so many things for him. And he doesn’t deserve this.

[1.20pm] **Rey:** _I’m sure xx_

Thursday

 

**Finn:** _I miss you! See me today? We can go for a walk at the park and catch up :) xx_

**Finn:** _Or we can stay in. It’s up to you :) xx_

_You have one missed call from: **Finn**. This contact left a voicemail._

_You have one missed call from: **Finn**. This contact did not leave a voicemail. _

****

_You have one missed call from: **Finn**. This contact did not leave a voicemail._

Okay. This is getting ridiculous. It’s not helping. Rey needs to explain herself; needs to tell him that she needs a break from whatever it is that they’ve got going on, so she can work things out. So she can work out what she wants. What she needs. What’s not only going to be best for her, but what’s going to be best for Finn. Because, really, that’s the most important thing to her.

Rey would call him now, but she has to go to work. Briefly, she considers sending him a text saying something like _“we need to talk”_ , but that just sounds so serious, and she knows Finn too well; he’ll spend the rest of the day worrying until he finds out what the text is talking about.

So instead, she stays silent.

 

And then she’s barely home for a half hour that afternoon before there’s a knock at her door, and she opens it to find Finn standing there with a hesitant expression on his face. It kind of softens when he sees her, though.

“Hey,” he says gently.

“Hey.” Rey steps aside so he can walk in.

“I’m sorry for just showing up without asking first but I—” he sighs, almost frustratedly, and runs a hand over his hair. “I'm probably just being paranoid, but I kind of had the feeling you were avoiding me, and I was worried. Have I done something wrong? Are you okay?”

Rey closes her eyes for a moment. “No, Finn, you haven’t done anything wrong. Don’t worry. Please, don’t blame yourself.”

“But… _have_ you been avoiding me?”

“To tell you the truth, Finn, I…yes. I have.”

He frowns. “Why?”

Rey turns away from him, pacing back and forth, running her hands through her hair. And Finn just stands there, waiting so patiently.

When her body turns towards him again and she tries to look him in the eyes, her own eyes are glassy with tears and her forehead is wrinkled. “Finn, I—I’ve been getting…feelings. I always had feelings, of course I did, but—but they’ve just been getting _stronger_. Feelings for _you_. Real, raw, scary feelings. Feelings that I was never supposed to have, because the whole point in becoming friends with benefits was to _not_ get attached; to just be casual about it and get the physical stuff out of our systems. Right? That was the whole point in this in the first place?”

“Rey,” Finn says softly. He tries to step towards her, but Rey steps back, tilting her head away from him. “If you don’t want to have sex anymore, all you have to do is tell me.

“No, I—I don’t _want_ to stop. But I’m scared, Finn, and the whole point in this thing was to stop me from being scared. But now I’m _so_ scared. Because it’s so much more than just casual, now. It’s so, so much more than that. Tell me you've felt it too?”

Finn looks hesitant, but he nods. His eyes are so honest. So true. “I have. I have, Rey. I’ve felt it so much. I feel—I feel so much for you.”

Rey’s frown deepens and she screws her eyes shut for a moment, a few tears tumbling down her cheeks as she does so. She turns away again. Runs her hands through her hair. Wills herself to stop crying. _Just stop crying. You can cry once he’s gone. Just keep yourself together_.

“Rey.”

How did his voice get even _softer_?

“Rey.” He says again.

Tentatively, she turns to face him, but can barely look him in the eyes.

“I can’t deny that I don’t have feelings for you. I can’t—I can’t deny that we _both_ have feelings for each other. I can’t pretend that I don’t want to hold your hand, to hold _you_ , and to dance with you in the kitchen like we used to do…,” he chuckles softly, but it just makes Rey cry more. He steps closer again. This time, she doesn’t step back. But she doesn’t look at him.   
And when he speaks again, his voice is merely a whisper. “Rey. I…really…I really, truly…I love you.”

Rey’s heart actually _aches_ at his words.

“I love you, Rey,” Finn sounds a little more confident now, and he steps closer. Rey nearly stumbles back in to the coffee table. He steps back again. She can’t look at him, but can feel his eyes burning in to her. “Rey, please…look at me.”

She doesn’t. There are tears rolling down her cheeks.

“I love you. I always have, Rey, I—I always have.”

Rey wants to speak. Wants to say something. A part of her wants to do the brave thing and pull him in to her arms and say _I love you, I love you, I love you_.

But she's not brave.

Instead, she blurts out, “I need some space.”

And, straight away, Finn backs off a few steps. That just makes her love him even more.

“I need _space_ , Finn, I—I need space to think. I don’t know what I want. And it’s not fair to keep messing you around like I have been doing. I—I don’t want to hurt you.”

Finn looks so conflicted; so hurt. It’s too late. She's already hurt him.

“Finn, I—I feel so much for you, and you’re my best friend. You know that. But I have to—I have to step back. I have to be by myself and _think_. I’m sorry…,”

“We said we’d never leave each other. That we’d never be apart.”

“I know, and it’s—it’s not forever. I promise. I—”

“You can’t promise that.” He sounds so hurt, but still so gentle.

“I want to.”

Finn looks Rey in the eyes. He looks like he’s about to cry, too. There’s a long, drawn-out moment of tense silence before he finally speaks.

“You can have your space,” he whispers. “Call me when you know what you want.”

“Finn, please…don’t be angry with me…,” Rey follows him towards the door in a desperate attempt to get him to smile at her again.

“I’m not angry,” he half turns to look at her. “I’m just…upset.”

“I’m sorry,” Rey whispers. “I won’t be long. I promise. Just—give me three days. I can work this out.”

Finn opens the door and stares out ahead of him. “I’ll speak to you soon.”

And he doesn’t look at her again before walking away and closing the door behind him.

And it’s then, watching Finn walk down the driveway towards his car, with his hands on the back of his neck, head hanging low, that Rey realises the whole point in becoming friends with benefits was so that things wouldn’t end messily; so that she wouldn’t lose him. But now she has – now things feel messier than ever – and it makes her start to cry again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chap is the last one! hope you're enjoying this, y'all <3 
> 
> Love :* xxx


	6. vi

A week passes, and Rey knows that she should talk to Finn. At least a text, or even a fucking _letter_ , would be better than the radio silence he’s had for the past seven days.

She sits in her room all afternoon, switching between having his contact up on her phone, ready to call; having a text open, ready to start typing; and a piece of paper and pen in front of her, in case a text just feels too instant and that’s why it’s scaring her.

Deep down, Rey knows what she truly wants. She knows what she wants their endgame to be. She knows that she loves Finn with all her heart.

But she also knows how _scared_ she is and, as much as she knows that what she truly wants is _Finn_ , she can’t get past the fear enough to admit it to herself.

So Rey sits there, wracking her brain, trying to find words, for hours.

But nothing comes.

 

Another week goes by, and each day that passes is another shard of guilt settling and twisting in her stomach. Rey has barely left the house; only to go to work and pick up a few groceries, praying she didn’t run in to Finn in the store.

In some ways, Rey is surprised that she hasn’t heard from Finn. But mostly, she was expecting that. He’d been so upset the last time they’d spoken, and Rey supposes that that’s part of the reason she’s not sure how to approach him again. She feels so _guilty_ , and the more time that goes by, the more guilty she feels, because she’s being so silent. Finn deserves so much better.

Maybe it’s better if she just lets him move on.

 

“So,” her father starts as he sits down at the table with a plate full of freshly baked bread.

“So…,” Rey takes some bread and dips a chunk in to her soup. Her dad has that look on his face that he always gets when he wants to say something that he knows she’s probably not going to have a great reaction to. Or, sometimes, that look is when he’s about to ask something he already knows the answer to. Either way, Rey is staring at him expectantly and her dad is blatantly trying to avoid meeting her gaze.

“Dad, spit it out.”

“How come Finn isn’t here? He hasn’t come round for a couple weeks now.”

Rey frowns down at her soup and tries to ignore the way her stomach drops. “He’s just…busy.”

“Really?”

“Why do you ask that like you already know the answer?”

“I didn’t!” Luke says.

Rey just raises her eyebrows at him. “Dad, I know when you’re trying to catch me in a lie.”

He sighs in defeat and puts his spoon down on the table, wringing his hands restlessly. “Look, I…I saw Finn at the supermarket today.”

Rey nearly chokes on her soup. (She feels stupid for it, honestly.) “You did?” Despite her best efforts, her voice comes out high pitched and nervous.

“Yeah,” her dad is looking at her now, with a frown on his face and worry in his eyes. The best Rey can do is glance at him. It’s too hard to hold his gaze.

Luke continues, “I asked him if he was coming for dinner tonight and he said no. He looked…troubled. He barely met my eyes, and his voice sounded flat. Is he okay? It’s not like him to avoid seeing people. Especially not us.”

Rey closes her eyes because they’re starting to sting with the onset of tears. Slowly, she puts down her spoon and then reaches up to run a hand through her hair.

“Rey?” Her dad prompts gently.

“I…,” Rey doesn’t know what to say. Her stomach _hurts_ with guilt. There’s an ache in her chest. She wants to cry. Her dad noticed there was something wrong with Finn – that he wasn’t okay – and Rey knows that it’s all her fault.

She draws in a shaky breath. When she opens her eyes, a tear falls on to her left cheek, and she weakly wipes it away.

“I’ve made a huge mistake, dad,” she whispers, her voice broken and small.

She’s not looking at him, but in her peripheral vision she sees the crease in her dad’s brow deepen.

“What? What’s wrong? Are _you_ okay?”

“I hurt him. I hurt Finn. And it’s eating me up inside.”

“Darling,” Luke says softly, “what happened? You can talk to me.”

Rey sniffs, and more tears fall. _No point in trying to stop them now_ , she thinks. And maybe talking to someone about it will help.

Maybe.

“I…got overtaken by the feelings I had – _have_ – for him. I got scared, and I pushed him away. He tried to get past my walls, tried to comfort me and reassure me…he was so good and _kind_ , dad, and I just pushed him away.   
I told him that I needed a few days by myself to just think about what I wanted. And then he left, and he was upset with me, and I realised that the very thing I was trying to protect myself from had just happened.”

Her dad is frowning sadly at her from across the table, reaching across to put his hand over hers.

Rey draws in a shaky breath and tries to gather her thoughts. “Then I…I just went in to shut down. It’s been three weeks, dad. I told him I’d need a _couple days_. Not a few _weeks_. Every day that’s passed has made it harder for me to know what I want to say to him; it makes it harder for me to feel like I can talk to him. He has every right to hate me after this.” Her voice is so tiny, and she feels sadness tug in her chest at her words.

“Rey,” Luke says softly, “Finn could never hate you.”

“But I wouldn’t blame him if he did.” Rey looks down at her lap, picking at a loose thread on her dress.

There’s a moment of silence. Rey takes a few breaths, lets a few more tears fall.

“I know what I want,” she whispers. “I _know_ what I want. I just don’t know if he’ll listen to me.”

“Rey,” Luke lifts up her chin with his finger and looks at her, still frowning. “When I saw Finn today, he looked very lost, and very upset. I won’t lie to you about that. But there wasn’t one single trace of anger on his face. He just looked…lost. Not angry.”

That gets Rey to start crying again, because she _misses him_. She can’t remember the last time she went this long without speaking to him.

“Rey, you are the bravest person I know. You never let fear hold you back. So why are you letting fear of love hold you back?”

She shrugs one shoulder sadly. “I guess at first it was because I didn’t want to lose him,” her voice is so thin and weak, straining because she’s holding back tears. “But now I already have.”

* * *

Finn is starting to think that maybe Rey never did love him like he loves her. Because, if she did, this wouldn’t have happened.

Maybe it is better if he just tries to move on.

Even if the ache in his chest feels like it will never go away.

* * *

Rey walks home from her dad's that night because he’d picked her up after work to take her straight to his place and, even though he’d offered a lift home, she wanted to take a walk to clear her head.

She has to talk to Finn. She _has_ to. She has to _try._ She can’t just leave it like this; can't treat Finn like this for any longer. Even if Finn doesn’t want to listen to her after all she’s put him through…she still needs to try.

All that needs to happen first, though, is for her to actually find the right words to say.

As luck would have it – luck? How could this qualify as _luck_? – Rey doesn’t have much time to think about any of it before she’s walking in to someone. She isn’t looking where she’s going as she crosses the little bridge over the river that runs through the park, and almost steps on someone’s toes as they collide.

And, looking up, her heart begins to thud in her chest when she realises that it’s _Finn’s_ toes she nearly stood on.

Something flashes over his eyes when he realises it’s her. It’s not there long enough for Rey to work out what emotion it is.

Rey opens her mouth to say something, anything ( _just say hi, dammit,_ she scolds herself), but her mouth is dry and that sharp wedge of guilt is twisting deeply in her stomach again. Her eyes are so wide, and she swears she hasn’t blinked – or breathed – in about a minute.

“Don’t look so horrified to see me,” Finn’s voice says, and the sound, through the pounding of her heart in her ears, almost makes Rey jump. “It’s just me.” His words are bitter, but his voice sounds sad and hurt underneath it all. He looks down at the ground. Kicks away a stray little stone.

“Finn…,” Rey starts, but her voice comes out so tiny it’s just a whisper. She tries to start with an apology. All she can get to is “I’m…,”.

“Don’t,” Finn cuts her off. “You don’t have to say anything.”

“But Finn, I—”

“You said three days, Rey,” he suddenly says, looking back up at her. His eyes are so sad. Okay, so he’s mad at her. He has every right to be. “It's been three weeks. I haven't heard anything from you. Not one single thing.”

Rey opens her mouth to speak, but once again, nothing comes out. Her stomach stings with regret; with guilt. He's just staring at her. She’s just staring back. Waiting for words to come to her; for words to to tell him how sorry she is, how she loves him more than anything, how she wants to _be_ with him and hold his hand and hold _him_. How it’s worth the risk. _He_ is worth the risk. He’s worth everything in the entire world. 

Just as he's turning around to walk away – because she _still hasn't spoken_ – she only barely manages to just breathe out “I'm sorry”, which she's not even sure he hears.

He's a few feet away when proper words finally find purchase in her mouth, and she takes a quick breath in, desperate to speak before the courage leaves her.

 

“I just want you,” she calls after him. He stops in his tracks. Slowly, so slowly, turns to face her. His face is tentative. Still hurt.

“What?” He asks.

“I just…I just want you, Finn,” she takes some slow steps towards him, not breaking their eye contact for a single second. “You're my best friend. You're my _best friend_ , Finn. I can't imagine my life without you. I know it's all my fault, but—but these three weeks without you have been absolute hell.”

He shrugs one shoulder. “We both messed up by trying to have sex without feelings when we…knew we did have feelings.” He’s just trying to be nice, because he’s _Finn_ , but there’s still an edge of hurt behind his words; like he only half believes what he’s saying. That’s okay.

“But it is my fault,” she steps forward again, wanting to reach out and take his hand, not sure if he wants her to. “I was the one who was scared. I'm the one who's been shutting you out for weeks now because I was scared. Even though all you've ever been to me is a friend, a wonderful one; you've only ever been gentle and kind and patient.”

“Rey…,”

“Please, let me speak, while I have the courage,” she says lightly, and Finn nods, putting his hand in his pocket. "I know you’re angry at me. I’m angry at me, too. I don’t blame you.”

Finn’s forehead wrinkles further. It makes Rey want to kiss him there, to smooth the wrinkles out.

She takes a breath. “I—I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend that I don't have feelings for you. I can't pretend that I don't want to hold your hand as we walk down the street; that I don't want to hold you after we've had sex, rather than just act like nothing ever happened. I can’t pretend that I don’t want to stay awake all night with you, just so I can look at you; be with you. I…I can't pretend that I don't—that I don't love you anymore, Finn.”

Everything seems to go silent.

Rey can't believe she just said that. Finn freezes, eyes wide.

She's kind of terrified of those words, but just as she's about to open her mouth to backtrack, his face softens and she swears he steps just a little closer, even though he still doesn't feel close enough.

“You love me?” He asks, disbelief in his voice.

Rey takes a moment to breathe, to look in to his eyes, to square her shoulders. She doesn't even have to search her feelings. She knows.

"Yes," she steps closer. There's only a foot in between them now. "I'm in love with you, Finn. _Fuck_ , I'm so in love with you, sometimes I think I might only be able to say those words to you for the rest of my life."

“I honestly thought…,” his voice is so weak, fading off before he finishes his sentence. His eyes have a new look in them now; less hurt and betrayed, more free and hopeful. But he still looks… _doubtful_. Rey’s heart tugs, because _did he really think she didn’t love him back?_

Finn is silent. He's staring at her in disbelief, and looking at her with a look in his eyes that she hasn't seen since they were together all that time ago.

“Finn, I know I've been scared, I know I said I didn't want commitment. But I want to be with you. I want to be with you _properly_. And I know I'm still scared, I need to work through that; and I know that I’ve hurt you. I know that. But if you can just give me a chance, give us a chance, then—”

He cuts her off by pulling her in, his hand on her waist and the other on her face; and he kisses her, deep and slow and passionate. It's so tender and loving that Rey thinks she might start crying. His mouth is so _familiar_ , yet it feels like years since she last felt it against her own.

“But, Finn, I've made so many mistakes, I've hurt you—”

Finn shakes his head. Holds her face in his hands and looks right in to her eyes. “People aren't perfect. You don't have to be perfect. We need to remember that, Rey. If this is going to work between us. If we argue, it's not the end of everything. We will sort it out, we will move on. We can fight for this.”

Rey nods, tears on her cheeks, and runs her hands up his forearms. “Yeah. We can.”

He draws in a shaky breath. His words bring a small, shy smile to his lips. “I love you, Rey.”

“I love you too.”

“Fuck,” Finn whispers, kissing her again; deeply, passionately. “I've waited so long to hear you say that.”

Rey laughs wetly against his lips. “So have I,” she says. And then, in a whisper, looking right in to his eyes, “I'm sorry it took me so long.”

He chuckles. She feels his breath against her lips, and _wow_ , how much she’s missed that.

“It’s okay,” he says, stroking his thumb over her cheekbone. “You’re here now.”

“Yeah,” Rey pulls back a little to look in to his eyes, and a soft smile appears on her lips. “I am.”

That night, neither of them go to bed alone. And, this time, they don’t fall asleep alone, either.

Being in Finn’s arms, his lips pressed to the back of her neck, her lips against his arm that’s wrapped around her from behind; it’s one of the best things Rey has ever felt. And she’s never felt more at home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not gonna promise that i'll write more in this 'verse but i do reaaaally want to, so, you never know!!   
> thank you for reading :)


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